There's showing off of other things too. Legs and feet wholly unprepared for warm weather. People have produced their summer collection and started wearing it, as if it were August. Long, white skirts to work, skimpy little tops and last year's sandals, revealing prehistoric toenails. Honestly, you can't look down when you're queueing in Tesco. I don't get caught on the hop like this as I follow my parents' tradition of Getting The Clothes Down From The Loft. This process takes several days and ends in a trip to The British Heart Foundation, with bags full of stuff you bought on holiday, all carried away with yourself in the heat. I was overcome with disappointment at my loft's contents and went straight 'down the high street' avoiding Giveusoneofyourkidneys or whatever you call them (they seem to have had bother coming up with a catchy name) since they snubbed me when I tried to give them a sofa. Oh yes, there was much teeth-sucking and head-shaking because one of the arms was faded. Nerve.
You then try to shop but you can't, as all that is available is straight-up holiday clothing, sarongs and whatnot, or the garbage they try to peddle every spring. This includes 'Nautical'-red, blue and white with stripes, brass buttons and sometimes even an anchor motif. Makes me think of Edwina Currie on a boating trip and I do feel this look is favoured by that sort of woman. There may also be 'military-' or 'utility-wear'. This means the sort of washed-out drabness you might have seen worn by the workers in some sort of 20th century Communist drama. Terrible sludge colours-nothing to look at in the queue at the butcher's. By contrast 'Spring florals' will also be widely available, often featuring Peter Pan collars or tiers of frills, so that grown women can go about like little peasant girls. Or gypsies, as they used to be imagined by me before I found out from the telly that they like to wear very tight, dayglo nylon as often as possible. Lucky they don't light fires any more too; you wouldn't want to stand near a naked flame in that get-up.
The Irish can't really do summer dressing-we just can't cope. We haven't had the practice, so on the rare occasions when the sun puts his hat on here, we will just put any old thing on too. Doesn't matter if your skin is pale blue, wheel out the denim cut -offs (with pocket linings visible) a boob tube and your gladiators and walk about all day without sunscreen, until you have turned the colour usually seen in advanced stages of scarlet fever.
Grazia tells me that Tom Ford says men should only wear shorts for sport or on the beach and I agree completely. There were some quite extraordinary sights this weekend. Hefty boys in cropped combats, par exemple. Rolled up tracksuit bottoms with socks and trainers but no top on. A man of advanced years wearing what my sister calls 'rude shorts'- the small, silky ones that curve up at the side of the thigh. You can really only pull them off if you are a Kenyan Marathon runner. And what is with bald men putting sunglasses on their heads? Revolting. Won't be allowed when I'm in charge.
I won a tiny little bit on the Grand National. I don't know how this happened as the terminology and mathematics of it all are beyond me. I will never be addicted to gambling, on account of the sums. I also come over all silly when I make my annual visit to the Bookmaker's-it feels all very demi-monde. Consequently, I planned a roguish demeanour to conceal the fact that I don't really understand what 'each way' means and if I'd been handed 25p on my £6 bet, I'd have been quite pleased. Unfortunately, I ended up sounding a lot like Margo Ledbetter ;'I believe I have winnings', I intoned loftily, 'my good man' was understood, if not actually uttered. The bookie winced slightly and gave me £9. I have no idea why. The atmosphere was oddly depressing-perhaps there was some impact from the poor dead horses. I wonder how long it will be before the Grand National is done away with, at least as we know it now. Bearing that in mind, perhaps I will get a green visor now and wear it out and about in the sunshine.
