Crimes de cuisine

I was watching an old episode of Nigella Bites last night. I love these because of the house and the way she talks. It's also fascinating to see how she cooks in a denim jacket with her hair hanging down. No-one else would do this. At least the hair was clean-I had to give up Nigel Slater as his grooming is wanting, in that pervert kinda way. Now, Nigella almost brought me round to the idea of jelly (which I am agin) as hers was such a lovely pink and had fizzy wine in it. She spoiled it all though, by serving it with pouring cream. War crime. It makes all desserts freezing and soggy. Would you pour a glass of wine on your roast dinner? I thought not. You must whip the cream, in my book, I don't care if you are saving on dishes. There's just no point otherwise. Several other enraging culinary features very quickly occurred:



1. Frisee lettuce. It's bitter, unattractively pointy and scratchy-gets caught in the back of your throat. Should be called 'sore salad'.



2. Herbal tea. One is always trying to embrace it but it is impossible to ignore the overtones of bathroom. That is, whatever it says on the packet, it always tastes like hot toothpaste or tepid bath water. Take your pick.



3. Offal. Of any description. Men regard eating it as a test of virility, it appears. Why else would a person ingest what has been scraped off the abbattoir floor? I had a Home Economics teacher, whose catchphrase was 'Offal's not awful'. Oh, but it is.



4. Mealy powder from packets to which water must be added; soups, sauces and of course Potnoodles. One is not an astronaut. I have a pupil who is unable to accept that Potnoodles do not exist in France and thus he may not just write it down on his 'mon menu' worksheet next to 'un fry'.



5. Speaking of pupils-what is the deal with Haribo? Bits of coloured tyre. Known in our house as A.P.R (aul plasticky rubbish), a term I felt sure I had invented, until I had to reread Cal for teaching and found I had lifted it straight out and adopted it. Two of my sisters apply it to anything considered tacky or inferior , as in 'Don't you buy those APR curtains just 'cos they were in the sale.'



6. Things that my mother thinks are 'tasty'; broth, stew, gammon, corned beef, items fried in lard. I can only attribute these tastes to a post-war childhood,overshadowed by the horror of the powdered egg.



7. Fifteens. Those of you not from Norn Iron may not know these. I strongly suspect they are unobtainable elsewhere. They could be our national dish or national 'traybake' at least, were they actually baked . Unbelievably, they are abominable confections consisting of fifteen low -rent raw ingredients, each disgusting in its own right; glace cherries, condensed milk, marshmallows, dessicated coconut-I cannot go on.



8. Big Macs. I have never had one at higher than blood temperature. Furthermore , I was too deeply affected by a distant Simpsons' episode in which the 'special sauce' was revealed as mayonnaise left out in the sun.



9. Chocolate paired with fruit, such as is found in boxes of Dairy Milk, sporting a sort of pip effect in its design, as if that would make any right-thinking person wilfully consume a Strawberry Cream. The most appalling example of this syndrome can be found in an orange Revel. I have never met anyone who likes orange Revels and let me tell you, there are more of them now than ever. The last time I went to a particularly murky cinema, I had to keep spitting them straight back out, like Tom Hanks in Big with the caviar.



10. Couscous. Firstly you have to add boiled water to it. Not on. Then you have to 'fluff' it with a fork. What? It's about as insubstantial as polystyrene beads as it goes down, so you forget you have eaten-worse than after a Chinese. Men never eat it-it is not considered masculine. I know one who flies into a teeth-grinding homophobic rage if it is mentioned on a menu.



Back to Nigella. It's not so much that she can cook; it's that she knows how to eat. Not just as can be regularly seen in her shows but because I agree with her snack philosophy. She once said she loved sweet and salty together, in the form of chocolate in one hand and salt and vinegar crisps in the other. Stick a glass of white wine in the middle and switch on Skinny Celebrities, confident you will never be emaciated enough to require a facelift.