We laughed uproariously at the Royal Family's transportation in those mini coaches-looked like they were being transferred from Protective Custody. Why would you not go about in carriages if you had the chance? Bit like brides not wearing a veil-crazy to ditch something so flattering. I'm just wondering if I could get away with one in work. This leads me to the subject of the attire of the day. I must start, of course, with the stars of the show.
The Beckhams
He's just plain gorgeous and everyone likes him-matters not a jot if he has loads of tatts and wears his medal on the wrong side on the wrong occasion. The man would look good in an Easyjet uniform, my idea of Europe's most unflattering outfit.
Victoria looked pinched and miserable-and that was just her feet in those grotesque shoes. She was in a navy tent of her own design. Well, she can't draw-this is why all her dresses look like something you would have seen in a Fuzzy Felt box, back in the day. Horrid angular shapes in block colours. The make up was like a mask and the hat-terrifying. I preferred her tacky in the WAG days-now that she's all 'fashion', I'm getting a pain.
Kate
Not loving a wedding dress is akin to not saying someone's new baby is beautiful or at least, cute. I'm going to say it anyway-didn't like it much. Too timeless, too classic, too structured-with those heavy eyebrows and the flat veil and slightly apologetic tiara, the whole effect was very Disney princess. The pair of them looked just like wedding cake figurines, which will go down very well with the tourists I imagine. Now that they're Duke and Duchess, it's as if they've suddenly aged ten years and their evening and going away outfits bear this out-very Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones.
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
Older sister summed it up perfectly when she confessed it put her in mind of a Batman villainess-a variation on Poison Ivy in violent royal blue. Took your mind off the nose, though.
Santa, her sister, was dressed fabulously, I thought-the hat was perfect for a wedding, opulent but frivolous.
Beatrice and Eugenie.
Sorry, Lady Gaga and Dolly Parton. They looked unhinged. Beatrice's hat was similar to the symbol used by Prince when he gave up being called Prince. My mum has found out that Philip Treacy was up most of the night three nights running and Beatrice's headpiece is the result of his being 'not well'. Hard to argue.
Samantha Cameron
Girlish figure does not indicate girlishly dressed and coiffed. This was not an occasion in which to be caught underdone, with a barrette in the side of your head like a second former and sweatily clutching a mismatched pashmina like a paper bag. There was far too much hair down in general, for my liking. I blame The Only Way is Essex.
Miriam Clegg
Dame Edna meets Carmen Miranda over a visible panty line. Get a grip. Actually, get gripper knickers.
Princess Anne
Remember in Gone With the Wind when Scarlett had to make the dress out of the drawing room curtains? I mean, I know she's 'thrifty' and all but we're between wars.
Carole
Vay nice. The evening dress was even better; midnight blue pleated tiers, gorgeous. So thin, my niece and I were pondering whether the camera still adds ten pounds in the HD age.
Camilla
Also rather lovely, I thought. Not as good as her own wedding outfits though. Needs a haircut; she's starting to look even more like a Terrier.
The Spencer girls
Who cares what they wore? They are so beautiful. Mind you, Lady Kitty was bursting out of her Victoria Beckham buff-coloured Lego dress or whatever the hell it was.
The Queen
Who cares what she wore? It's the Queen. We're just lucky we haven't had to look at that Pekinese, Wallis Simpson, for the last fifty odd years.
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