One's fashion firing squad

Oh yes, I 'm way past fashion policing, we are talking taken out and shot here. My inspiration comes from Grazia's 'Style Hunter' pages, purporting to have come across girls in t'street who have style, dontcha know. The winner, every week, is she who most resembles one attempting National Costume, country of origin unspecified. No one cares about National Costume any more, I've noticed. My generation dressed the little naked figures in the Bunty Comic weekly. It all comes screaming back to me when I am expected to admire some gangly bint in scarlet hosiery, pegleg trousers, held up with embroidered braces and a cossack hat

When it comes to celebrities, it becomes very wearing that Kate Moss is considered to be faultlessly cool and chic 'without trying too hard'. I think you will find that we can all pull this off if we look in need of a decent bra and a bath-and-hairwash.

And who is Caroline Seiber? What is the point of her? Although I don't wish to be cruel; she bravely soldiers on, clearly only able to stand on one leg.

One of the latest irritating trends is the slebs wearing next year's spring/summer collection now, in the bleak midwinter. Victoria Beckham is the most prominent exponent of this. Not content with rubbing in the fact that she doesn't have to walk any distance, what with those heels and that bunion, she now doesn't need a coat and goes about in a lurid mango shift. We only know it's november by her new beige skin colour, cultivated to match that Chanel nail varnish no one can get their mitts on any more.

I will now resort to a list-things I hate that are considered desirable by others and not just 'fashionistas'. Please take it that all such new made-up words are unacceptable, by the way.

 1. Animal Print of any kind. I can brook no exceptions. It is common. Dolce and Gabbana like it and so does Roberto Cavalli and they too are common.
2. Quilting. Unless on a bedspread. Again no exceptions, even the Chanel handbag.
3. Clothes which can be touted as 'preppy' or ' 50's'. These belong to the smaller-boned, neater-waisted era. Charlotte of Sex and the City relied upon this type of look and although the prettiest, was never thought sartorially enviable. You just knew it was because she was hippy.
4. Polo necks-particularly on very young children. Particularly in white. If you want your baby to look like Edward Heath, I have no sympathy for you.
5. Camouflage. This seems to have had its day, thank god. There was a time when the school gates resembled an army assault course. There's no need for nice middle class mummies to run about like something from The Hurt Locker.
6. Spotty patterns. And bows. Unless you are six.  I have two words for you: Minnie Mouse.
7. Riding attire; boots, jodphurs and hacking jackets. Well, if you want to look self-important and annoy people,go ahead. At least the materials are decent.
8. Rugby shirts, polo shirts and fleeces. There's plenty of other stuff that's warm , practical and comfortable in which you will not be mistaken for a small boy or a Blue Peter presenter-before they became sexy.
A final word about crocs. There is no excuse. Plastic with air holes, what can it all mean? There is something amiss if you want to be shod in anything reminiscent of the contraption they put on Hannibal Lecter's face.