Persisting with the listing

It has been enjoyable receiving feedback on 'One's Fashion Firing Squad'; some of it quite defensive, you know, people committed to their fleeces and whatnot. Probably because they're having to wear them in the bath at the moment, as if being filmed in a sort of arctic Big Brother. People dear to me have removed their polo necks before our meetings. Then there are the ones who made welcome suggestions for shooting, as it were.  My colleague feels strongly about too short trousers,others felt it criminal to wear heels with combat trousers or clothes with any writing on them. If you could all figure out how to become a follower (I am not sure mesel-but it involves opening a Google account),we could build our list into a FORUM, I tell you. I will return to the clothes, bound to , I feel  but I have a new list in mind. It's been bothering me for years.

Things Which Happen in Films and on Telly but Never in Real Life

1. Cooking with a teatowel over your shoulder. Neither I nor the Redhead, who suggested this one, have ever seen this in real life, though Jamie Oliver has one in his jeans' pocket these days. I accumulate at least five sodden, grimy examples when cooking for any more than three but they lurk, reproachfully balled-up, blocking my view of the ingredients and the recipe.

2. Shouting at and being cheeky to medical staff. This was exemplified magnificently by Shirley Maclaine in Terms of Endearment. Even in your average Soap, you get quite a bit of indignation or aggression in the ' I demand a second opinion' line. No-one I know has ever demanded a second opinion. Deference bordering upon creeping obsequiousness is  the usual flavour. Very recently a doctor unceremoniously grabbed my injured calf and dug his sausage fingers in-I merely winced and managed a watery smile. (He was a specialist so I had to fight off the urge to address him pointedly as 'Mister'-of course I didn't dare.)

3. Becoming extremely delicate immediately upon the news of a positive pregnancy test. In films, there is always at this point, quite a bit of business with having to sit down and have cushions plumped around you. This is one of my favourite bits in The Way We Were. Real couples however, look at each other and go 'Oh Jesus' and then blame each other for the unprotected sex.

4.Waking up in a hospital bed from a coma or similar and saying 'Where am I ?' Much more likely to be 'You can have the bloody Lucozade but where's that Crunchie gone?

5. Having showers at odd times, such as during an argument, and always immediately putting your face right under the nozzle. If I were to attempt this, I would have a permanent windswept high colour provoking fears about my bloodpressure.

6.Staring at each other at length before first kissing. If you are Meryl Streep, you actually make contact then pull away more than once and come back for a bit of lip-nudging before the proper snog. Now I am not saying everyone always has to be drunk for this moment but there is definitely a sudden,clumsy launch of some sort from which you are lucky to emerge with your original teeth.

7. Worrying about 'appropriate' conduct around babies and toddlers for fear that they understand about sex and all. Sitcoms try to get laughs from this nonsense; people worrying that they cannot have sex while babysitting, for example, even when the kids are asleep. Were this an issue, many people would have remained virgins until their thirties.

8.Never saying Hello and Goodbye, particularly on the phone. This is considered essential in real life and unnecessary on screen. Dallas and Dynasty were the finest examples of the practice, Joan Collins its leading exponent. She was forever arching an eyebrow and slamming down the phone, by way of ending a conversation, before replacing her clip-on earring and lighting a More. Marvellous.