Wedding Iron-I

It's almost impossible not to love a wedding, if you are a woman. Unless you saw the pictures of Liza Minnelli and David Gest, that is. Did you not think it most unreasonable of the Norn Iron men to complain and moan as they did? Some wouldn't even have it on in the house. They must be firmly told that this sort of event is sport for women and they're lucky it doesn't go on for four weeks, like the World Cup or the Olympics. The main sport for me was in the clothes (on which I plan a whole separate outpouring, never fear) and the lip reading, in which my status is merely amateur. I was able to 'do' William at the altar a bit 'You look lovely, beautiful' and Kate looking up at the Royal wastitsname air force ; 'Pehfect Fohmaytion' ( I suspect elocution lessons), much to the amusement of my company. Thank god for Sky News-their guy got every 'Ok, ya'.

How come every bride's dress is so top secret and mustn't be known about for fear of imitation? Some people won't even tell you the colour of the bridesmaids' dresses. They will be dealt with when I am in charge. Colours are no-one's exclusive domain. Yet after every Royal Wedding, there is a huge rush to make copies of the dress. Is the desire for originality eclipsed by the regal endorsement? Who are these people who would wear a copy of Kate's dress and why don't I know any of them? They are probably the sort who send gifts to the royal family and do not realise these will be immediately donated to charity, as the family admire the latest Faberge egg, bestowed by the Sultan of Brunei or someone.

I was at the gym yesterday and the teacher announced that she had only one comment re the wedding, which was that she felt sure that Kate Middleton does Bodypump; 'Those arms!' Gym people always try to credit attractiveness of all kinds to working out. Kate is simply extremely lean. If she lifted weights, she'd have Madonna arms, bulging biceps and popping veins-wouldn't have 'done' at all with that lace. How ironic that she has been made a duchess-wasn't it the Duchess of Windsor (also a 'commoner') to whom the adage 'You can never be too thin or too rich' is attributed? Kate now has both attributes, regardless of how long they are going to be holed up in Anglesey with no servants. Mad. Ask any married woman, a servant would be the first thing they would get if they could, before jewellery, even. For now, however, what else is there for Kate to do over there, apart from the Hoovering? I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a baby on the way very soon. You need a good excuse to get out of unveiling statues and breaking bottles on bits of boat.

I thought her the perfect storybook bride-beautiful, demure, bland and poised. Only the white knuckle grip on her father's hand betrayed what must have been intense fright. Mike might have to use the other mitt for a while for making up his party bags.

I was all agog to see Prince Albert of Monaco-that royal family being far and away my favourite for beauty, glamour and scandal. I mean Princess Stephanie actually ran away with the circus fahcrissake! First the trapeze artist then the ringmaster. And that was after having out-of-wedlock children with her bodyguard and calling them things like Pauline. Now Albert, between his two siblings, most resembles his mother, Grace Kelly and like her, seems to have taken on a rather bovine appearance in middle age. He looked squat and bloated. How badly has that family aged, given their genes? Princess Caroline is not 'wearin' well', as my mother would say and all the fags, sunbathing and mucking out elephants has caught up with Stephanie something shocking. Ironically, the British royal family looked fantastic. They have all been on the Slimfast and have become positively coltish and sexy. I do not include Beatrice and Eugenie here and I will be discussing those two later (menacing tone intended). If not careful, the Windsors can take on a distinctly bloodhound appearance-you can even see the odd whisper of it in William at certain angles. But on Friday, they looked great, even the Queen at 85, if only she would crack that smile more often. 'Dry as boke' at times, another of me ma's baffling yet apt expressions.

William, I am happy to report, has inherited all of his mother's warmth and charisma but another irony, were you not really looking at Harry, when you could? How much fun does he seem? You just know you'd have a great night out with him-there he was piled into the bus at 3am with half his shirt buttons undone, off to an after-party at the Goring. I bet he likes curried chips along with blowsy wee girls with tons of sex appeal like that Chelsy. I love how you can impart so much by putting 'that' before anyone's name. Grazia says Chelsy's not having it- couldn't stick the royal way of life. Perhaps that's why she was about 2 miles down the church behind one of those stupid trees and forced to show up at 9am with the unimportant people. No wonder she looked a bit rough. Knackered I'd say. Up all night, rakin' about with Harry, lucky bitch.